WHEW. it's been a heck of a year. i'll start with real life updates, since I've been spending way more time offline.. and if you noticed i've been near impossible to reach as of late, this should hopefully explain at least part of it.
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first off, i had a pretty major move in mid-2023. left my parents' place in texas & have been in colorado since! though the motivations were more urgent.. the decision itself was made around the time texas was threatening to ban HRT- the targets may have been children, but this was while florida was trying to redefine what a 'minor' was & i was scared i'd never get to actually begin medically transitioning.. luckily i had a friend in the state who was looking for a roommate so it all worked out. that friend also ended up becoming a romantic partner & we are currently engaged :)
in that same vein, i started working full time! and yes i'm miserable. sure it's enough to (barely) pay the bills, but i hope that i either finally find a different job that's less damaging to my mental stability or a miracle occurs and i stop having my livelihood held over my head. i don't even hate retail, the job hunt is just abysmally bad (I've been cruising indeed for over a year and only had 2 callbacks, both with inflexible interview hours that occur during my shifts but outside my breaks) & i'm really missing how forgiving my first job was..
after moving i was also able to start HRT! ..and then decided to stop after a health scare. nothing is more frustrating than having your first hot flash, that triggering a panic attack, both you and your partner thinking it's a heart attack, then EMS arrives and yells at you both for panicking, every heart test coming up clear but not having any clear explanation on symptoms and only being told it was a panic attack after said numerous tests and being offered anxiety medication with hardly explanation after just being told not to eat/drink anything... all the night before a vacation we had been planning for months, so we had to worry about missing our flight too. @_@ world's dumbest incident. on top of that i didn't realize it was even a hot flash until earlier this afternoon, when i had a second one. thank god i know what those feel like so my anxiety doesn't shoot through the roof, but it's insane how completely useless going to the hospital was. at least my partner didn't ask for nearly $3,000 when he moved a fan to the room so i could let it pass! (my health insurance covered the whole thing, thank god, so i'm not hurting on the medical bill side of things. one less thing to worry about in this nightmare world!)
.. on the bright side, this means i was on testosterone for roughly a year. once i'm able to afford the parts of HRT that insurance won't cover, hopefully it won't be too bad hopping back on the saddle. i definitely feel more confident since i realize now the event that scared me into stopping was just a normal part of the process. if it was a heart issue i would have no qualms quitting for my safety, but i'm a little embarrassed at the previous events. but i'm telling myself it's better that i value my physical safety than doing something that isn't going to be legislated out anytime soon.. in my current home state, that is.
other than that, not much else going on. i feel awful for letting paid work backseat, but the truth is that my day job (& other personal life issues, i won't go into detail) has been eating up like all of my social & productive energy. art summary this year also isn't happening. ignoring the reasons why, it's nice taking a much needed step away from art. I've had unusually bad social troubles the past couple years and it's made me realize that i'm putting way too much emphasis on it to 'carry' me as a person. while i have been working on simple personal projects like toyhou.se icons and oc sketching, I've been putting less pressure on myself to be perfect or even post it. hell, I've stepped away from social media almost entirely. it's absolutely a product of an episode I've been in and out of, but it's been helping me keep stable- i don't go out of my way to interact with people much anymore, if i do violate my breaks i treat it as if i'm in 'read only' and don't drop comments or likes, and most importantly i'm not posting anything at all in an effort to curb my reliance on notifications. i'll probably warm myself back up to having more of an internet presence eventually, but i like where i am right now. just my website and my email.
i still have my eye on fixing the site css to make everything more consistent and readable! it may be a while since neocities still isn't letting me make changes to it but i'll figure something out when i can. a dress-up and second personality quiz are still on the list of things i want to add in the future. i also started a semi-secret project earlier this week that i'm hoping to finish, dunno how committed i'll end up being (i love having unmedicated ADHD) but i'm super excited and hope i can get it more complete so i can actually.. y'know.. show it off. :) sorry for the gaps in blog updates but, again, real life has kind of taken priority. fingers crossed i can keep focusing on doing all this stuff that i love eventually.
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before i close this off, just a friendly reminder that I've added a ko-fi link to the sidebar! winter storms have officially hit my state & I've already had to miss quite a bit of work because of it.. i can't offer commissions in good faith due to my other owed works (which i will return to as soon as possible!) but i don't mind working something out if you absolutely want something in return! any tips sent through ko-fi are helping a queer couple stay on their feet and will be used for groceries, bills & other related living expenses. thank you for your patience regarding updates and work & here's to hoping someday i don't have to rely on tips to make rent!
