things in the USA are getting tough. i promised sometime in the past that i would keep these relevant to the site, but current events are getting harder to ignore.
. . .
i have not been shy about being queer during my time on the internet. i grew up in a conservative household- most of my childhood it was garden variety republicanism, but over the years it's devolved into far-right conspiracy- so this place has absolutely been my one consistent area i could be open and out about it. it was a huge reason why i moved out over a year ago. i've talked on other social media about how my mom's been my biggest supporter, but the fact of the matter was if i wanted to be respected or make any changes to be happier and less suicidal about my life, i couldn't stay. no matter how supportive she was, my dad always had the final say, and he thought people like me should be slaughtered or put in camps. he very much knew about me but has been in denial ever since i came out, every short haircut, every voice training effort, every desperate plea for antipsychotics to hold me together if he was so opposed to me not being a woman. (although even that ended up being fruitless- the far-right assumes every pill on the market is manufactured to be the most abusable substance on the planet, mental illness is fake and transgenderism is attention-seeking.)
i initially wrote a lot about my upbringing under here, and how my thought process on the world has shifted as i got older. but none of that feels particularly important. i'll shorten it here for context- growing up in said conservative household meant that as i got older and figured out myself and my place in life, i had to unlearn a LOT of shit. i had to stop assuming that the failure of the government to help their people was a result of the people being "lazy" or "trying to cheat." i had to stop blaming immigrants for taking the jobs of hardworking people- people like my dad who has been the vice president of at least two different bank branches, or my mom who has had job security since she graduated nursing school. i had to remember how my parents told me all my life that not every authority knows whats best for you, and you should always question whoever is in charge of their underlying motives... unless they're a republican president. i had to realize that coming out as queer was not going to change my family's minds, it wasn't going to magically make them accept me when i had heard that transgender people were monsters, predators, creeps growing up. they may not want me to necessarily get euthanized like the rest of them, but it certainly meant i would now be visibly treated as less-than, i would no longer be listened to, any cry for help i had would now be completely ignored.
all this to say none of what's happening is surprising me. i'm not surprised at the people who voted for who they voted for, thinking everything would be done in their favor. i'm not surprised at single-issue voters who decided their one issue was people like me. people like my friends. i'm not surprised people like my parents, who lived the american dream and worked their way from nearly nothing to upper-middle class, believe that who they voted for is going to "save this country." it's depressing, it's devastating, it's upsetting, it's alarming. but it is not surprising.
i just want to share that if meeting transgender people in person didn't radicalize me, if seeing my family get more wealthy while my friends stayed under the poverty line didn't radicalize me, if being visibly treated worse by my immediate family after coming out as transgender didn't radicalize me, if watching gay marriage getting legalized in 2016 when i was a baby queer and seeing it taken away less than a decade later didn't radicalize me, if seeing people with my anatomy getting basic legal protections and birth control taken away in my lifetime didn't radicalize me, if seeing both nominees who lost to him happening to be women didn't radicalize me, if being told all my life i could just get the job i wanted if i worked hard enough while i sit here not even knowing if i can make rent to keep my apartment next month due to the crushing fruitless job hunt didn't radicalize me.. i could go on. you understand my point, i hope.
i've been told my entire life the united states of america is the greatest country in the world. i've been told all kinds of things about how eventually i can move out and live in a house, i can go to college and get a decent job, i can be whoever i want to be- the first amendment will protect me. it protects all of us. it's so awesome we have the bill of rights and the constitution to protect the people and allow us to have all these amazing things that other countries do not have. as i've gotten older and become more independent from my conservative family, i've realized that so many of their claims and desires are from a country that does not exist, or if it did, no longer does. the hypocrisy over praising our freedom of speech and expression while simultaneously demanding control over bodies that don't belong to you. why is it only freedom of speech when it applies to upper-class, white, able-bodied men? why is it only freedom of speech when it's protecting people who bought their way into office?
the next four years, or however long, are going to be rough. we already have (not solid as of yet) plans to leave the country. staying here is only going to become a risk and i urge others to take notice. even if it goes exactly as the previous term and not much is done, and even though i prefer to be optimistic about the future, i fear that fairly soon it will be extremely difficult to keep "ignoring" US politics. if you're a young person and you have the mental stability for it, please keep yourself informed. take hold of sources and information while it's still available. check in on your loved ones who may be affected by incoming legislation. whatever you do, do not give up. i'm scared for the future. i'm scared that all this time i've been working to keep myself in a place where i can live safely as my genuine, unfiltered self has gone to waste. but i'm convinced it hasn't. in spite of the dead end job applications and fake listings i fell for, in spite of my horrible previous job, in spite of the financial difficulties we're in now, in spite of having lost the majority of my friends and not living anywhere near any of the ones i'm closest to, in spite of having to partially stay closeted around the family i'm still in contact with.. i'm happier than i've ever been. since 2023, i've started testosterone. i got two jobs without needing someone to literally hold my hand during phone interviews. i met the love of my life. up until i lost my job i was handling rent and car payments easily while still having some spare cash for groceries. things are tight, but the past 18 months have been filled with a freedom i've never experienced before. i'm terrified i may have to leave it. i've lived in this country my whole life and i truly believed for a short time that i was one of the fortunate humans to be in a place where i wouldn't have to worry about things like this being stolen from us. my only hope is that if that all has to be uprooted so we can continue living, i want to welcome it sooner rather than waiting until the last possible moment.
i'll admit, as much as i love typing and talking, i'm not the most eloquent. as much as i want to send a message of hope, things are legitimately scary. it's hard for me to be optimistic, even when i'm choosing to. i want to be realistic. but i've been doomscrolling for the past several days. i want things to change. i believe things can change for the better. i have no idea when that will be. but if you're reading this, even if we barely know each other, or we're strangers, or we're estranged. promise me you won't give up. promise me you'll stay alive. even if you haven't had the taste of personal freedom yet, even if you think you never will. two years ago i thought i would be stuck forever in a household that didn't care about me. i thought i would be decaying in my bedroom and hating myself forever, surrounded by people who used my last attempt on my life to tell others in the family that i was delusional for wanting to live as a man, until i died in my sleep as a merciful act from a god i wasn't even sure existed. you just have to take a chance. you have to be willing to change things. it was pure chance that my at the time best friend, now partner asked me to move in with him. i will never regret taking that chance. even if it meant i had a year and a half of total freedom, it was a year and a half i didn't have before. it was a year and a half of being close to the only family i can be completely myself around, not having to isolate in my room to avoid hearing about the evil transgender agenda, being able to talk about things that concerned me without being insulted or brushed off, experiences and trips i wouldn't have gone on otherwise, memories that aren't tainted by public meltdowns or pointless arguments or a nagging desire to be anywhere else on this earth.
i don't have much else i want to add. just please be kind to those around you. let the people in your life know that you love them. things will get easier. it may be a year, four years, ten years from now, but they will get easier.
. . .
since i've been posting it everywhere i have social media, here is our gofundme to help us cover rent while we're both unable to find work. it's okay if you can't donate, all i ask is that you share it as much as you can. rent is due incredibly soon- about 5-6 days from the time i'm posting this- and the goal is for two months rent plus groceries. we only need $610 to make it this month and we're so incredibly close to making just that amount. again, i know money is tight all around, that's why i only ask that you spread it as much as possible.
